*sigh* I miss my dad. I really don't know how I should feel about him. He's never really been my dad, he's never really been anything really. I doubt he means to cause the pain he does, but how much is too much? How much can I trust the promises I know he'll break? How many times do I let him put me on guilt trips for his mistakes? How many times do I let him put my heart through an emotional meat grinder? How many nights do I cry myself to sleep worrying about him and wondering what I've done wrong this time for him to not return my calls?

My head tells me that I've had enough. My heart tells me that too, but then I hear Willie Nelson, or get the warm holiday fuzzies, or feel guilty. I mean...there are people with worse dads. There are people who don't know their dads. There are people who have lost their dads. *sigh* And here I am...I haven't talked to my dad in months.

I know this is rambling, and usually when I ramble in an entry it helps me figure things out, but I still feel just as upset and confused by this.