Here is just an example:

I got an account at about 4:45 pm. I'm pretty sure the insurance company is closed, but I give it a try any way...

*ring ring*

[nameless insurance company], this is Tony, how can I help you today?

*surprised that someone answered*

Hi Tony! This is frozen-vodka, I'm calling from [nameless hospital]. I need to verify a patient's insurance, get outpatient surgery benefits and see if an auth is required.

Umm...I can help you with that. I'm sorry, did you say your name was Mary?

*side note: This is especially bizarre for the kiddies who know my real name, you know, the one that I have to tell people offline...it sounds NOTHING like "Mary"...although, it sounds as much like "Mary" as frozen-vodka does, so you get it...*

No...my name is frozen-vodka.

Oh! Okay, and you work at Happy Podunk Hospital?

What? Where's that? No, I work for Really Big Hospital.

Oh! I'm sorry! And your name?

*pause*

My name is froh-zuhn vawd-kuh. Should I spell it?

No, that's okay Elaine. And how can I help you today?

*surpressing rage because I hate when people mistake my name*

I need to verify a patient's insurance, get outpatient surgery benefits, and see if an authorization is required.

Okay. And do you have a CPT code?

No, I don't have the code, but I know what the procedure is.

Oh. See, I can't tell you if an auth is required unless you have the code. Umm...what is the code?

I don't have the code, but it's a bronchoscopy.

Yeah, I don't know what that is. Do you have the code?

No. I don't have the code.

Yeah, see, I need the code to tell you if it needs to be authorized.

Okay, okay. Forget that part, can I verify eligibility?

But I can't tell you if it's authorized unless you have the code?

Okay, forget the auth for right now. Aside from the auth, can you tell me if the patient is eligible?

Umm...yeah...can I have the ID number?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Okay, and the name?

Jane Smith

Umm...I only have a Jane Sm...Sm...Smeethe...

Spelled S M I T H?

Yeah.

That's the one. Okay, is she eligible?

For?

*pause*

Is her insurance coverage active right now?

Yes.

Okay....and the outpatient surgery benefits?

For the Doctor?

No, for the hospital, because I'm calling from the hospital.

Okay.

*he gives me the benefits*

Now...about the auth...

Do you have the CPT code?

No. But if there was an approved auth on file, would you have access to that?

Yes.

Can you look and see if there's one for a bronchoscopy?

See, I don't know what that is.

Yes, I know, but it should say on the auth that it's a bronchoscopy. It's scheduled for Monday...

I have a colonoscopy for February 2003.

Yeah, that's not it.

*this continues for about 10 minutes, he reads off a procedure that is clearly not a bronchoscopy and clearly not for Monday, and I tell him to try again. Finally...*

Oh, there's this list that tells me some procedures that don't require an auth, just a second, let me check.

*furious pause*

Umm...there's a bron-chas-kah-pee...

That's it! Does it require an auth??

No.

I hung up on him.

And then I called the patient to verify demographic information, and she cancelled this morning....

I need to go drink.