And while I have no qualms going in to it, I'm just.... over it. Why rehash the same old bullshit? It's all I've been thinking about, it's all I've been immersed in. I've been sleeping, breathing, eating, bathing in this fucking nonsense drama that all boils down to three people with hurt feelings because of a simple misunderstanding, yet none of them can manage to see the other's side.

I thought I could remain friends with all parties. I hold out hope that I still can. Maybe I can, maybe I can't, but my heart can't take this shit for a second longer. I have been wallowing in misery, unearned guilt, and heartbreak for the past week, and I can't deal with it. I'm too fucking emotional, and I've been down that dark road before. I know what dwelling on this does to me, and I don't need any more scars, and I doubt my liver can handle another 6 month bender.

So...

SO.

So?

So what?

So I quit. I call on my safety net, my strength. I call on my spirit guides/guardian angels/faeries, whatever you like to call them. I call on my friends, my family, my dubbins. And I clean. I clean, and I bake. Out with the old, in with the new. Out with the negative, in with the positive. Out with the trash, in with the nummies.

Tonight, I will be working late, late into the wee hours of the morning. I will do laundry. I will dust. I will take out the trash. I will sort through my drawers and bins. And tomorrow morning, my living space will be clean, sweet, fresh with love and positive energy. Because that's who I am. I don't do anything that isn't driven by love, and ye gods, I fuckin' need some love right about now. Love, holiday music, and a fresh batch of sugar cookies in the shapes of snowmen, bells, angels, and stockings.

Hells to the yizz-ess.

On another, vaguely related note... if you know me at all, you know I watch Robin Meade on Headline News every morning. And because I'm such a fan girl of all things I enjoy, I subscribe to her newsletter. Sometimes it's bland, sometimes it's awesome. The one that came the day after Thanksgiving was a gem. It's a list of why Thanksgiving is so much better than Christmas:

At Christmas: You are forced to wear garish sweaters
with snowmen and reindeers that make you look like you just got
back from a yard sale at Andy Williams� place.
At Thanksgiving: You are forced to wear your buffet
pants. You know, those pants that have just enough give as you
feed yourself to maximum capacity.

At Christmas: If you get a lousy present, you have to
pretend you like it, make up a lie about why you need the
receipt, then wait in a long return line to maybe get
store credit.
At Thanksgiving: Even if you get some dry turkey, lumpy
mashed potatoes, or stuffing that is thicker than mortar, it�s
nothing that gravy can�t fix.

At Christmas: If you fall asleep at your family
gathering, whispers go around about how you may have had too
much eggnog.
At Thanksgiving: Sleeping isn�t just ok, it�s
encouraged!

At Christmas: One day off of work.
At Thanksgiving: FOUR DAY WEEKEND!

At Christmas: People bring presents. They�re for certain
people.
At Thanksgiving: People bring food. It�s for everyone!

At Christmas: The same movies and specials you have seen
on a continuous loop throughout the month of December for the
past 50 years.
At Thanksgiving: Football. Lots and lots of football.

At Christmas: Once you open presents, the day is pretty
much over.
At Thanksgiving: We use words like "seconds," "thirds,"
and "leftovers."

At Christmas: You have to untangle your lights.
At Thanksgiving: You have to unbuckle your belt.

See? After you break it down, Thanksgiving rules! You can have
your malls, carols, wrapping paper, maxed out credit cards, and
fruitcake. I�ll take sit down, eat, sleep, and leave every day
of the week.

On that note, I'd like to share my recipe for what was apparently the best flippin' turkey in the history of Thanksgiving. (go ahead, look it up, you'll see my smiling face and the stuffed bellies of my friends right next to the picture of Tommy, my kick-ass turkey)

Kick-Ass Turkey
Unfortunately, there are no real measurements, you just kind of have to do what you feel, and if you think you've overdone it, you haven't. Maybe.

• 1 block of butter. Real, salted, sweet cream butter. Nothing else will do. 1 block is roughly a cup. Use more or less, depending on how big your bird is.
  
• a fistful of fresh, organically grown rosemary.
  
• a fistful of fresh, organically grown thyme.
  
• 1 largish, brilliantly yellow, organic lemon.
  
• 1 largish, juicy looking, organic orange.
  
• 1 medium, organic red onion.
  
• 2 medium size, organic granny smith (or equally tart) apple.
  
• 1 turkey. Go with your gut, your conscience, and your wallet here. One day, I plan on raising my own turkey every year. Before that, I plan on buying a free range, pasture fed bird. Until then... I walk through my local market and look for the one that speaks to me.
  
• 1 roasting pan.
  
• 1 oven bag big enough for your bird.
  
• 1 basting bulb.
  

First, rinse your bird. Pull off any remaining pin feathers, etc. Be sure to remove the giblets and rinse out the neck cavity, and the neck and whatnot from the main cavity. RINSE WELL! This is of course, assuming that the bird is thawed. if not... well, that's a whole other set of instructions. THAW YOUR BIRD FIRST. There, how's that?

Put your soon-to-be meal in a pan, or on a baking sheet to come to room temperature. Cover loosely with waxed paper to keep things like stray hair, dust, and curious fingers from dirtying up your bird. When you can cop a feel (grope the breast) and not feel that ice box chill radiating up through it, you're good to go.

Take about a third of the rosemary, and pull the leaves off and put said leaves in a bowl. Do the same to about a third of the thyme. You don't want the stalks, just leaves. Zest the skin of the lemon into the same bowl and mash all together with all of the butter. When it's sufficiantly mixed together, start lubing up ol'Tommy boy. You need to gently seperate the skin from the breast, using your fingers, or a greased, wooden spoon. Work clumps of the herbed butter under the skin and mash it out as evenly as you can between the skin and breast. Grease all of the skin really well, every crease and cranny. If you like, you can talk to your turkey, quoting various "adult movies" if you like.

When you're done greasing him up, stuff sprigs of rosemary and thyme into the neck cavity. Also cram some slices of onion, orange, and apple in there. Pull the skin down over the neck cavity and fold the wings back behind it's neck. Like it's chillaxing, but you kind of have to break it's elbows a little bit.

Stuff the rest of the herbs, onion, apples, and oranges into the main cavity. Use twine to lace the ankles together, and get someone to help you shove him into the back. It's not unlike putting a condom on before the guy is hard, except the guy is about 20 pounds and greasy, and the condom is way too big.

Once you have him settled and wrapped up, put him in the oven according to the instructions on the package from the roasting bags. When he's done, take him out and let him rest, in the sealed bag, for about 30 minutes.

Here's the fun part. puncture the bag, let the juice run into the pan, and then cut the bag open, and use a large carving fork to lift the bird so your helper can pull the bag out from underneath. If you have a roasting rack, use that, or just put the bird in the pan. Put him back in the oven for about another 30 minutes, basting him every 5 minutes of so. This gets the skin good and crispy.

Move the finished bird to a platter for a Norman Rockwell-esque presentation, or carve in the kitchen and let the guests fight over the bits on the carcass.

So there you have it. Depression, and turkey. And I think my first load of laundry is just about done...

Follow the instructions on the package for prepping the bag, and lay it in your roasting pan.

Listening to: cartoons
Reading: Dr. Zhivago
Working on: re-balancing my heartspark