So, where shall I start? Should I start with the bad news? The "goddamn it, not again!" news? The "fuck! fuck! fuck! fuck! fuck! Why does this shit always happen to me?!" news? Why the hell not.

Well kiddies, my much-loathed POS car has died. It has died and we are not quite ready to get our new car yet. Fuck. We are about a month away from having the down we had wanted. How did it happen kiddies? Well, we were driving along on the way to work, about to hop on the freeway, when the last light between us and cruising along at 70-ish turned red. So, like the responsible driver Cosmo is, she stopped. And the car suddenly sputtered to death like it was out of gas. Funny...we just filled the tank up Sunday; it cannot be out of gas. When Cosmo could not get it to start again, she put the hazards on. Except they would not work. Nothing worked. With a lot of pedal pumping and cursing and violent slamming of the steering wheel, she finally got it started again. I, of course, always in a mild state of panic while riding in this car, had already telephoned my grandma, explained the situation, and begged use of my grandparent's car for the day. We limped it home, praying we would not have to come to a complete stop. Whenever we did, Cosmo had to rev the engine so it would not stall out. My grandma, saint that she is, was waiting outside in the light drizzle with the keys in hand and told us to just go, we would talk later. I called her from work to ask her opinion, managing to explain that I didn't want to spend another goddamn dime on this POS and that while we didn't have the planned amount for the down, I'm taking this as a sign that we should just let the damn thing die in peace...kind of. The plan is to call the auto wrecking yard that pays you to take your heaps and see what they will offer. Then we will place an ad in the Auto Trader for a couple hundred more than the auto wreckers will offer. If we do not get any bites within a month of doing so, we will sell it to the wrecking hard for parts or whatever they use it for. Meanwhile, we are stuck driving my grandpa's sister's old car. That is, until this weekend, when we go out to look [read:buy] our car. I am excited, but at the same time a bit worried. Worried mainly because I have bought a car on my own before, so I do not quite know what to expect. I am not sure how it will go down. Ah well...live and learn, yes? I do know what I can pay and more importantly, what I am willing to pay, and I know the essential element of buying a car: they never want you to leave the lot. So, if they are jerking me around, I will just play like I am leaving, or better yet, actually leave.

In totally unrelated news, I desperately need to get rid of some books. If you would all be so kind as to take a look at my bookshelf and see if there is anything you want. If there is, do not hesitate to email me your request and an address. Please help take some of these books off my hands!

Okay, back to the update...

Last weekend, we took Newcastle to our friend's fetish club for the first time. He was a bit taken aback, but seems to be adjusting. It's an interesting thing to watch, because he thinks he knows me, but I'm so used to having to hide bits of my personality from different people that it's natural for me. As people get closer to me, they discover new aspects to me, and sometimes it's a toss-up as to which side of me is going to send them running first. Of course, the truly special ones don't run. Alas, there aren't too many of the special ones.

Fat Tuesday was spent at a friend's Mardi Gras Masquerade party, where the first fight Newcastle and I got into carried over and erupted once he got a few drinks in him. This intrigues me, because I thought we'd worked it out and ended the issue already, but he's apparently been stewing. He's discovering aspects of me that I don't think he's comfortable with, and I make it a point to be honest, especially with people who express a desire to "really get to know me". I have no need to go about flaunting likes or dislikes just for the sake of being shocking, so when things come up, or need to be addressed, it's a little daunting for the other person to realize that this opinion was lurking inside all along, and it was only my sense of etiquette that kept me from voicing it before. To soothe any confusion, allow me to explain the situation that sparked the argument that I originally thought had been settled.

I've been very clear that I don't want anything serious yet. Just because we like hanging out with each other and happen to be having sex on a regular [some might say excessive, but they're just jealous *wink*] does not mean we're in a "relationship". It means we enjoy fucking each other and coincidentally, we enjoy each other's company. So the night of the 15th, we're up in the VIP room of the club we all frequent. Newcastle is tired because he'd had a rough week leading up to Valentine's Day. I'm hyper because I'm extremely close to drunk. Newcastle's dozing off and I'm engaged in conversation with my friends. The topic hits on vampire movies and suddenly we draw another club-goer into the conversation. I'll call him Chianti. He's very well-spoken, and a highly attractive goth-boi to boot.

Now...I must confess something kiddies. I love bois. All of them. All kinds, types, etc. Yet for some reason, I drool over floppy-haired-skater bois, and tragically beautiful goth bois. *sigh* The only thing that tops those two are bois with accents...those bois make me go cross-eyed.

So...there's Newcastle, the dozing hottie I sleep with regularly and enjoy hanging out with, but to whom I have made clear I am not ready to be exclusively involved with. And there's Chianti, the gorgeous poet who's maintaining his end of the conversation extremely well while managing to keep my drinks refreshed as soon as I finish them. This goes on for an hour or so, when Newcastle taps me on the shoulder and asks me to introduce him to my little girlfriend.

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*sigh*

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You know guys, that's not the best way to express your machismo. Insulting another man's sexuality or appearance only makes you look insecure, especially in this day and age. Also, I was a little taken aback that he would take such a route when he knows very well the type of guys I'm attracted to. The painting of Valo on my wall might have been some sort of tip-off, yes? *sigh* I understand it was a comment made in jealousy...perhaps even possessiveness, but to insult they type of guy I'm attracted to is to insult my taste.

Of course, Chianti smiled at Newcastle's scowl and held his hand out in the universally acknowledged gesture of a handshake, and introduced himself.

As further embarrassment to me, Newcastle stood up, stretched, and without acknowledging Chianti, said, "It's late babe, let's go."

Of course, then it was my turn to smile. First at Chianti, telling him I was extremely sorry for my friend's rudeness, he'd had a rough week, and it was time for his nap. Then at Newcastle, my mouth smiling, but my eyes enraged, telling him I'd meet him at the car, I just needed to say goodbye to a few people. He left, still glaring at Chianti. Once he was gone, I apologized profusely. Chianti smiled, saying it was nothing to apologize for, my boyfriend was just being a little possessive. For some reason, this made me blush, and I explained that he was not my boyfriend, that we were involved, but that we weren't exclusive. When I stood to leave, he stood as well, telling me how nice it was to meet someone like me in such a mundane place. That made me blush even more, which made him smile again, right before he handed me his card, telling me to call him sometime.

I got out to the car and Newcastle was fuming, ranting about how he couldn't believe that I was flirting with a guy while he was right there next to me. I'll spare you the details, as I was pissed, and he was drunk, but the next day he called me and apologized. I went over to his house and explained my position, very clearly. I told him that while I did like him, and I did care about him, I was not comfortable with his assuming our relationship was anything more than casual. I explained that I'm not ready to jump into anything serious, and frankly, I'm trying so hard to get my life back together after the chaos of the past 5 years that I can't handle anything beyond having fun. I apologized for possibly leading him to believe anything different, but I had no intention of doing so, and had thought I'd make myself clear. I further explained that if he couldn't accept what he did have with me, we would have to put some distance between us to avoid another embarrassing situation like the one the other day. He was completely apologetic, telling me that he understood completely, and that he'd never act like such an ass again. He was tired and in a bad mood to begin with, which he assured me was no excuse, but he understood and swore he's fine with our relationship the way it is.

Part of me didn't really believe him, but I really wanted to, so I said okay, and we made up.

Except, like I mentioned earlier, he must have been stewing, because he got pissed when he say me getting chatted up by a guy at the masquerade. I had to have one of my boys take him home because I didn't want to deal with another argument. Still, I'm wondering what's going through his head to make him so agro about my associations with other guys. Especially after he assures me he's fine with it. One way or another, he's lying to me. I'd rather he tells me the truth and us try to deal with it, than lie to me. Lying gives me nothing to work with...at least if he was honest I could consider just watching myself around him. It would be the whole "out of sight/out of mind thing". I don't know how much longer Newcastle will last. Well...at least if it ends between us, I'll probably put a picture up and you'll be able to see the boi that deflowered me.

Now...on to the dish on Chianti. He's....beautiful. I called him this past weekend, and he called me last night. Damn pretty goth bois!! Well...he's older than me at least. He's 32, which is practically the perfect age for me right now...hmm....

I'll keep you filled in, I promise. Now I am going to spell check this and respond to some emails...