Feel free to scroll through the bolded headings as you see fit...

So, I'm at work, on break actually, and I was eating with 3 of the coolest people I see every day, I shall quickly bestow nicknames on these people, just to keep them straight.

Elroy: the accountant at my place of employ

BooBoo: his wife, a catering assistant

Sequel: one of my regular customers, who I am making a stuffed, Mexican pig for

The 4 of us were eating together and the subject of my lurker turned stalker turned lurker came up...

Last semester, I had a regular customer. He was the typical geeky, comp-gamer, wallflower type who has little to no experience with the opposit sex. At first, he was normal. We would joke around everytime he came through my line, because I'm just that kind of social creature. At some point, we got on to the topic of computers and he was extremely dismayed that I declared myself a staunch Mac fan. He insisted that he could build a PC that ran better than a Mac, and would look as cute. I yeahyeahsuresure-ed him, and moved on. The next time he came through my line, he told me he'd talked to a friend and if I was interested, he'd take on the project for the cost of parts, which would mean super cheap. Seeings as how my current machine is roughly 6 years old, I was keen on the suggestion, so didn't even bat an eye at giving him my contact info.

You see where this is going, don't you? Or...you think you do.

Time goes on, and he becomes less regular customer and more lurker, hanging out around my station to talk to me. At first, it was a welcome change to have a continuous conversation, instead of the 30 second, repetative blurts that I usually get with people.

Then, he begins to cut class to talk to me.

Then, he begins to just hang around, giving dirty looks to any of my male customers that happen to linger too long.

He becomes a lurker, at this point.

And I forget I'd ever given him my number.

The semester ends, and one random day, my phone rings.

Hello?

Hey [frozen], it's me.

*confused, no idea who "me" is*
OHHHH! Hey! How're you doing?

And so begins a 20 minute conversation, during which I ramble on, social as hell (because I could carry on a sparkling conversation with a rock, THAT I HATED), and mildly flirtatious (because if you're a lucky enough guy to be reading this, and I've ever talked to you on the phone, well, all I can do is bat my eyelashes and plead that it's my nature to flirt).

At the end, he suggests we hang out sometime soon, and I agree whole-heartedly, telling him that we totally need to hang, it's been so long that I've practically forgotten what he looks like (tiny lie, right?) and that he absolutely needs to buy me coffee or take me to a movie ASAP! (Yes, that's how I really talk to and treat my guy friends. And they love it! *grins*) As a last minute, "oh, I almost forgot!" thing, he tells me he just got back from Portland, and did I want him to email me any pictures of my old haunts (as if you could call them that). I say yes, not really caring about the pictures, just hoping he's in one of them and I recognize them.

The next day....

He is. And I do.

IT'S MY LURKER!!!!

So I email him back with: How the hell did you get my number freak?

*hangs her head*

Damn my bad memory.

He writes back, explaining that I'd given it to him, relating the conversation, and attaching a scan of the slip of receipt paper I'd jotted my info on.

*hangs her head lower*

I was mean, and he didn't deserve the mean-ness. Now, I have to be extra nice to make up for it. DAMNATION!!!

Thus, my Catch and Release program. Something I've done since highschool and has resulted in 1 marriage!! When a mostly loseriffic guy falls for me, and I consider him eligible for the C&R, I use my power for the greater good, influencing subtle changes in his habits to make him LESS loseriffic, and when I feel I'm finished, I slowly wean him off my attention and hook him up with a suitable girl. It sounds worse than it is. Basically, it's like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, except I'm not a queer guy and he doesn't know he's on the show.

The first project with my lurker? Get him to wash his greasy mop of hair more than once a week. *shudders*

Is it mean? I don't think so. Am I leading the guy on? Slightly. But it's for the greater good!! Instead of just shooting him down and sending him back to his D&D and the blueish glow of his computer screen, I'm paying attention to him, boosting his ego, and breaking his bad habits. Ish.

So we're discussing my lurker, and Elroy, BooBoo, & Sequel are teasing me about him. Well, then BooBoo asks me why I don't just go out with him. As NewLeaf and I are still perfectly happy not calling what we have a serious relationship, even though we both kind of know it is, I just told BooBoo that the Lurker wasn't my type. She asked me why. So I rattle off a couple of my stipulations for what I'll consider dating material. After which, she grilled me, so I laid out the following, which are the requirements that one needs to meet in order for me to consider even one date:

1. Taller than me
self-explanatory

2. Not easily typecast
I don't fall under one label (girly-girl, goth chick, prep, brain, etc.), he can't either.

3. Sure of himself
If I want something, or someone, they know about it rather quickly. I expect the same.

4. Driven
I've got a lot of goal I want to achieve before they scatter my ashes, and I don't need dead weight.

Only 4, but they all need to be there, or I won't even think about it. Life is too short to play the "3 out of 4 ain't bad" game. At least, I think so.

Once I consider dating a guy, I told BooBoo the 7 rules I have. These are vital to the relationship progressing, and I draw a hard line.

1. He absolutely has to pay for the first 3 dates.

2. I won't even consider kissing till the 3rd date. (a peck on the cheek is not kissing)

3. There will be no sex until at least the 5th date.

4. He needs to demonstrate respectful, gentlemanly behavior.

5. He has to let me have my own time.

6. My Leprecaun has to approve of him.

7. My Chef has to approve of him.

NewLeaf? He's on thin ice with number 5, and neither of us are ready for 6 or 7.

Apparently, according to BooBoo, I'm too picky, and will never find a guy. Elroy had no comment, and Sequel wants to play turncoat and fill my lurker in on the rules so he has a better chance. And then? We have to name our first child after him, whether it's a boy or girl. *chuckles* I love that boy.

So yeah. That was the entry I composed at work. And now...

Quick Family Tree:
My grandma and grandpa had 2 kids:
My mom, and my uncle.

My mom had 2 kids:
Me, and Leprecaun.

My uncle had 2 kids:
Chef and ShortHair

Shorthair married Bitch and had 2 kids:
Brat and Lump

Chef married Bex and has no children.

Bex has become the older sister I never had and Chef has always been my brother, not my cousin. I told him, when I was about knee high, that he was going to be my best man when I got married, and that holds true to this day.

Relations clear now? Awesome.

Well, around Thanksgiving, a series of emails were exchanged between ShortHair, Bitch, and Bex. It's been eating at Bex this whole time, and she let it slip while I was at her house this weekend. She felt horrible, having thought she told me already.

Here are the emails she forwarded to me after I asked for details. I rearranged them into chronological-ish order, eliminated signatures and the like, and edited the names.

From: [ShortHair]
To: [Bex]
Subject: Christmas

hey do u know what g-ma is planning 4 xmas?

From: [Bex]
To: [ShortHair]
Subject: Re: Christmas

I don't know. I think we're going over on Christmas Eve and spending the day before going up to your mom's for Christmas Mass. I'll check and get back to you!

From: [ShortHair]
To: [Bex]
Subject: Re: Christmas

ok. because since gma had her operation and gpa fell an since [Leprecaun] is going to b there i want 2 spend as much time as we can with them u know?

From: [Bex]
To: [ShortHair]
Subject: Re: Christmas

Okay, confirmed with Grandma and [frozen-vodka] and we're supposed to be there around 9 so we can all have Christmas breakfast together. We're all just going to treat it like it's Christmas Day, and [frozen-vodka] told me that they usually watch The Grinch, the original one, on Christmas Eve, so [Chef] and I are going over there and making dinner for everyone the night before. Grandma offered their bed if you guys want to come spend Christmas Eve down here with us all?

From: [Bitch]
To: [Bex]
Subject: Re: Christmas

I thought I already told you that we're not coming down for Christmas. I thought we were doing everything the day before Christmas? Did you change everything? Because if you did, my family won't be able to make it down.

From: [Bex]
To: [Bitch]
Subject: Re: Christmas

No [Bitch], we didn't change it. We're still having Christmas the day before Christmas, but since we're doing that, it means the day before OUR Christmas (on December 24th) is Christmas Eve.

Basically, do you want to come down on the night of the 23rd and have Christmas Eve dinner with us all, watch The Grinch That Stole Christmas, and spend the night? It would save you such a long drive down the next morning. The kids would probably be less grumpy?

From: [ShortHair]
To: [Bex]
Subject: Re: Christmas

that sounds aweosme! i'll ask [Bitch]

From: [Bitch]
To: [Bex]
Subject: Re: Christmas

No thank you. You can have your Christmas Eve whatever. We'll come down with the kids so they can get their presents.

You know, I don't even like going down there. I know [ShortHair] is all sad, because he just lost his other grandma to cancer, so he's afraid for this grandma, but I just don't want to deal with all of that mess. There are too many people, no privacy, and to be honest, I just can't stand his grandma and grandpa. I dont' care what [ShortHair] thinks we should be thankful for or whatever. I just can't stand them. And they always freak out [Brat] and [Lump] because they want to hug them and I'm sorry, but my kids just aren't used to wierd people trying to hug them.

We'll come down on the 24th and we'll probably just stay long enough to get our presents. The faster we can get out of there, the better, LOL!!

I know you know what I mean!

From: [Bex]
To: [Bitch]
Subject: Re: Christmas

You know, I hate to be negative, but I'm sorry... Where did that come from? Your Family? Isn't your family....this family? And what do you mean, you don't like grandma and grandpa. They're wierd? What? I think I'm misunderstanding you.

EDIT: Knowing Bex, she's trying really hard to be tactful here. I wouldn't have bothered.

From: [Bitch]
To: [Bex]
Subject: Re: Christmas

I don't know. I guess you're still trying to impress them or something. I just can't stand them. They're annoying. And it's not like they have any money, so you know, you don't HAVE to be nice to them.

End.

My heart hurts. It's this deep, searing pain the likes of which I haven't felt since Cowboy died. Heartache, I have had many. HeartBREAK, is a feeling altogether more horrible.

I want to cry.

And scream.

And rage.

What you kiddies don't know is how very, deeply, and completely GOOD these people are. They would, and have, given anything and everything to help out their family and friends. My grandma, days after having 1/3 of her breast removed, drove a trunkful of groceries an hour and a half north, because she'd heard through the grapevine that Bitch and Shorthair were having a hard time making ends meet that month.

My grandpa has been paying the ENTIRETY [sp?] of their rent off and on for about a year now. Because ShortHair's still an apprentice and Bitch refuses to go back to work.

My grandma gave them her car when theirs got repossessed.

They gave them a loan about 5 years ago to help with expenses and pay for ShortHair's school. 5k dollars, and they haven't gotten a dime back. Nor have they asked. Because it's family. And you help family out. PERIOD.

These people have raised their brothers and sisters. Their children. Their grandchildren. They have never had their home to themselves for more than a week. They give absolutely everything they have, and then, somehow, they find more to give.

And then....this?

Words can't describe the pain and anger I'm feeling right now. The Johnny-esque wall in my soul has been revealed once again, and only copious amounts of blood will keep the rage inside. I need to hurt her. I need to hurt her. I need to hurt her as badly as I possibly can. And I can't. Because if I even tried, my grandparents would find out. And the thought that I had any bad feelings towards another family member would break their hearts.

They can never know about this. They can't know how she feels. They can't know the extent of the emotional vengeance I need to bestow upon this evil, selfish, waste of life.

So I wait. I'm patient. Ever so patient. And I can hold a grudge. I hope it's centuries before I can cause her as much pain as she deserves, because it won't happen until I lose my grandparents.

But she will pay for these wicked words.