I verify mundane personal information. It's usually very boring. I cross my fingers for a busy signal or answering machine so I can record the try and move on.

Sometimes, usually when I'm pressed for time and want to just hurry through them, I'll run across an old person. They don't want to give out information over the phone, perfectly understandable, but sometimes I get a real freak. Here's a little example for you kiddies.

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ring, ring

Old Person: Hello?

frozen-vodka: Hi! May I speak to Old Person*?

OP: I don't have time for this right now. What do you want?

fv: I'm sorry sir. This is frozen-vodka**, I'm calling from Anonymous Hospital***

OP: Yeah?

fv: I just need to verify some information with you before your procedure tomorrow if you have a few minutes.

OP: Yeah...I guess.

fv: Thank you. Okay, I have your home address as 123 Random Street, San Diego, Zip Code 92111.

OP: How did you know that?

fv: Umm...it's in the computer sir.

OP: In the computer? What computer?

fv: Your hospital file in the computer. We keep the information in the computers for easy access sir.

OP: Uh-huh. Go on.

fv: Umm...I have your marital status as married.

OP: Why's that any of your business?

fv: [with impending dread] It's just in the computer sir, I just have to verify it.

OP: Fine, that's right.

fv: [full of dread now] And I have your social as 123-45-6789.

OP: {lowers voice] Why do you have that?

fv: Sir, it's just in the computer. I have to make sure it's correct.

OP: You're trying to steal my identity, aren't you?

fv: [pausing] No sir, I'm calling from the hospital.

OP: What hospital?!

fv: Random Hospital sir, where you're having your procedure tomorrow.

OP: I don't believe you. What department are you from.

Here's where I really screw this up.

fv: I'm calling from the RAVe**** Department sir.

OP: I knew it, your one of those ravers who steal people's identities through the computers!! I saw you guys on 60 minutes!!! Well you're not getting my bank account information! Stay on the line, I'm calling the cops on my cell phone! They can trace you bastards!

fv: Sir, I'm calling from Random Hospital. If you like, I can transfer you to my manager.

[at this point the girl in the cube behind me begins to laugh at me]

OP: What's that??

fv: That's just another employee sir. Would you like to speak to my manager?

OP: I KNEW IT!! There's a whole building full of you!! I just called 911, you better not hang up you damn raver.

fv: Sir, please calm down, I'm calling from the hospital.

OP: No you're not! You're a goddamn raver trying to break into my computer for my bank account-

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At this point, he must have hung up on me or disconnected me. I sat there in shock listening to the dial tone for a minute, then proceeded to fall out of my chair laughing.

I of course gathered the few employees who work my shift and relayed the entire story to them.

This is what I deal with.

*sigh*

Want another one? How about this, this was when SARS first made the news:

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[call is over, demo has been verified]

fv: That's all the information I need, do you have any questions?

OP: Yes, I do actually. I know you have a lot of them Orientals working at your hospital.

fv: Umm...

OP: I know you do, I've been there before. I just want to make sure you don't let any of them come near me. They all have that oriental flu.

fv: Uh...Are you talking about SARS sir?

OP: Yeah, that. I want you to keep those Orientals away from me with their disease.

fv: Um, sir, we haven't had any problems with SARS here in San Diego. Regardless of race, anyone who may have been exposed would not be working in the hospital right now.

OP: I don't care, they probably all have it. Just keep your goddamn Orientals away from me.

fv: Okay sir, that's all the information I need, you're all set for tomorrow, have a good evening.

[click]

They just really need to fucking cancel 60 Minutes.

*Patient name changed due to HIPAA regulations.

**Obviously not my real name. Maybe you'll get lucky one day and I'll wind up calling you before a surgery and then you'll know what it is.

***I think I've said what hospital I work for, but I'm not sure...

****Registration, Authorization, Verification via E-Commerce