11:22 AM well, my recent allergy attack led to my nearly being killed by a marine yesterday
11:23 AM Scotch: Uh...oh my god. What happened?
me: it takes longer to tell by typing, but it's hilarious none the less
11:24 AM so, you know how I've got a friend that has the dream of setting me up with a Marine, but I've sworn off serious relationships till I'm 30?
Scotch: Yes, laughs I recall this.
me: okay
so
she set me up with one
a coffee date
lunchtime
yesterday
11:25 AM So I cruise down to the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in the valley, and wait
he shows up..... CLEARLY a Marine
11:26 AM physically, right up my alley
Scotch: nods, listening
me: really tall, really built, plus a little extra meat
Scotch: Nice.
11:27 AM me: and he cruises over, because I've threatened Becky with death if she fails to show them pictures so they can find my ass
11:28 AM since I can't get her to stop, at least I can end the awkward moment when they realize that yes, the polite lady that set them up with her "super-awesome-cousin!" did indeed mean the rather round girl with the large laugh
11:29 AM one sec. dubbin issue
brb
11:30 AM alright
Scotch: chuckles at your description
me: so yeah, he cruises over
introduces himself
seems pretty sane
that's always a question with Marines you know
11:31 AM Scotch: nods Yeah...shit.
me: he gets a little sad that I'd been there long enough to order something and have it halfway gone already
but I tell him I generally liked hanging out in coffee shops, and I'd gotten there early to read
11:32 AM you know, the usual chatty stuff
Scotch: nods
me: I apologize for my sniffling, and assure him that I'm not sick, it's the result of an allergy attack
Scotch: Haha.
11:33 AM me: because of that, my voice is a bit huskier, and it's dropping out once in awhile because of the coughing
goddammit
brb
fucking dogs
11:34 AM Scotch: No worries...
11:35 AM me: so i let my cats out
Scotch: Yeah?
11:36 AM me: and the neighbors have these fucking chihauhuas that get out
Scotch: Oh man.
me: and they terrorize Izzy and Mama, and Eleanore freaks out and turns feral and attacks anything that moves
Scotch: I HATE those kinds of dogs.
me: including the dogs, which is fine
Scotch: My GF has one...and it tries to bite me.
11:37 AM me: but she also attacks the other cats, and me
they're not dogs, I swera
they're barking rats
11:38 AM anyhoo...
back to the marine
Scotch: Haha. They are.
me: so
lots of talking
11:39 AM things are going well
he's totally vibing me
and I'm totally receptive
and then the subject of kids comes up
11:40 AM like, the raising/discipline of them
Scotch: arches a brow
me: and I mention having been a nanny
11:41 AM and continue talking
Scotch: nods, listening
me: and he totally stops, like, you can feel him pulling out of the conversation
which brings me to a halt
11:42 AM and I pause, smile, and ask if he's okay
Scotch: nods, frowning
me: and he's just staring at me, like, in shock
I'm a bit wierded out by this.... like, is homeboy about to have a flashback and kill me?
11:43 AM Scotch: Uh...yeah...shit.
me: and he asks me what I used to be
and I'm like, excuse me?
and he said, "What did you just say you used to be?"
11:44 AM and I'm totally on the verge of calling 911 on the basis of the look he's giving me
and I say "A nanny?"
Scotch: Creepy....
11:45 AM me: and he shoots out of his seat, knocking over the table with our drinks on it and says "WHAT THE FUCK!!!"
11:46 AM Scotch: Uh....omfg
me: and goes on this rant about how he's not a fucking homo and just.... all this hateful stuff
Scotch: blinks
me: I'm cowering in my chair
Scotch: Where did that come from?
11:47 AM me: he's all up in my face, screaming at me, about how people like me need to "advertise up front"
meanwhile other patrons are freaking out
Scotch: Advertise Up Front?
About being a former nanny?
me: and these two gym rat guys come over and pull him away from me
11:48 AM Scotch: Did he think you said...tranny?
me: because I'm literally shrinking into the chair, and he's standing over me, screaming in my face
Scotch: Oh my god.
That must have been totally freaky
me: And I've lost it, I'm crying
11:49 AM I'm like, OHMIGOD, I'm gonna die
Scotch: Yeah, shit. I would be thinking that too
me: so the manager comes over, threatens to call the cops, he calls down, he's still shooting me death looks
11:50 AM Scotch: nods slowly
me: an employees pulls me away and takes me to another chair
11:51 AM Scotch: Shit.
me: he loses it again, and starts screaming that I'm lucky he doesn't kill me, I'm freaking out, the cops show up
Scotch: How did you cousin meet this meathead psycho?
me: they talk to him, calm him down, one of the cops is talking to me with my side of the story
11:52 AM on the base
I don't know
Scotch: Man...scary
me: so the cops go to talk together and compare notes, and the one that was talking to me starts to laugh
11:53 AM comes over, asks for clarification
turns out crazy Marine thought I said DADDY
your guess was right, just the wrong word
Scotch: arches a brow
Oh my god.
11:54 AM So...he thought you were a transwoman or something and flipped his shit?
Bwhahahahahahaha.
I mean, that must have been scary as hell, but fucking hell.
You don't LOOK like a tranny.
me: I'm on the edge of hysterics, and start cracking up
and they go to tell him
Scotch: Oh man...did you blog this?
This is gold.
11:55 AM Did he apologize?!
me: and the change is just.... instant
and he tries to come over and apologize, of course, the cops won't let him near me
and he still has to leave
11:56 AM Scotch: laughs, hard Well, good. What a douche.
11:57 AM me: but as soon as he does, he calls me, and leaves me this voicemail, apologizing, and telling me that he hopes we can get past this, because he'd really like a second chance
Scotch: Oh my fucking god. I am cracking up.
Because you're into homophobes.
me: clearly
Scotch: shakes her head
me: and as for blogging this.... I think I'll just post this convo
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