I don't know if it's because I tend to gravitate towards people that are selfish, or that I have developed a bizarre sense of entitlement that is just out of proportion to what is realistic to expect from people.

In some ways, I'm socially stunted. I actually don't know how to deal with people. I can make a good show of it, but inside, I am constantly second guessing myself, constantly judging my actions, constantly wondering what actions and behaviors are expected of me so that I can put on the right show to please the people I am interacting with. I haven't been myself for so long that I'm still trying to figure out how I act.

It's a long-standing bad habit I developed as a defense mechanism, and it served me well, and now that it's not a daily requirement, I don't know what to do with it. How to drop it. How to replace it with actual social interaction.

I find myself asking people if things are okay. Are they normal? Is this an okay thing to think? To say? To do?

Over the holidays, I baked cookies to bring to a group of cops that I'd gotten to know because I always saw them standing around in the parking lot I parked in. I saw them every morning, they were waiting to go on shift, I was getting ready to start my day at work. We talked. I knew them all by name. And the idea to bake them cookies and bring them coffee one morning hit me. So I did it. But I second guessed myself so much as to whether that was socially acceptable behavior that I left the cookies and coffee in the car, and was so nervous walking past them, I didn't even say good morning. The rest of my walk to work was full of so much doubt and anxiety that it took me about 30 minutes in the ladies room to chill out enough to get on with my day. Since then, I've gotten friendly enough with two of the cops that we exchanged numbers and I've been working out with one of them. I told him what went down that morning and he was confused. It was a great idea, he said. Super thoughtful. Would have been definitely appreciated. I didn't tell him how socially stunted I am, or about how much internal debate went down over the incident. I just told him I'd changed my mind.

More recently, I just got in a fight with NewLeaf over something. I don't really want to get into it, but I can't help but feel like it's my fault for expecting him to understand something that I don't even understand. If not understand, at least empathize?

Alright, to clear up some confusion, I just left a comment on someone's journal. He happened to read it and asked me for clarification. For one reason or another, a friend of mine hasn't been communicating with me for a fairly long time. I shrugged it off as my friend being busy, not having anything to say, etc. NewLeaf knows how close this friend and I used to be, and was curious as to what I mean by not communicating. Cut to the end of the conversation, I don't know if I'm right in feeling upset at the apparent severing of ties between said friend and I, or if I'm right in feeling like he'll reappear when he reappears, and I'll still be here for him when he does. Because I don't know, I haven't made any moves one way or the other. When I finished trying to explain this to NewLeaf, he offered his opinion, and I agreed that he had a valid point, but I still wasn't sure what to do, so I would do nothing.

Everything he told me was right. I do have a history of letting people walk on my feeling. I do smile and nod even when something's killing me. I do hide my negative feelings from people and take them out on myself. I have made horribly bad judgement calls in the past when it comes to the people I allow close to me. I have a hard time letting people go, at any cost, including my own health and well-being. All of that, and everything else he said is absolutely true.

So if he knows me so well, why doesn't he get that I'm beating my head against my own wall of ineptitude? How can he not see that I'm paralyzed by me fear of alienation and mortally terrified of letting go of the people that I've managed to hold on to through this past year? Telling me that it'll be okay is like telling someone that's afraid of the dark that there's nothing in the closet you're about to shove them into.

Knowing something is true doesn't make it easier to deal with.

So yeah. This is me. A side of frozen-vodka you prolly would have never guessed existed. Those of you that interact with me, whether through letters or texts or emails, you have no idea how much I treasure these delicate filiments of connection you extend. It's nourishment that my soul didn't know I needed.

And NewLeaf? We'll make up, but currently he's out storming about the wintry streets, fuming no doubt. But I know him better than I know myself at this point. After all, we've been friends since we were about 11. He'll rage and storm and then sputter out and then he'll worry and come back and want a cuddle. By then, I'll get over myself and be ready for the same.

Bit by bit I get better at trusting my judgement, and maybe by next year, I won't be so damn terrified of my own shadow, and perhaps I'll be able to give a plate of cookies to some cops. We'll see.

The mystery of salt and sea oh ho ho
Has never been intriguing oh ho ho
And to me but the sea
Green is set so beautifully
Against your thoughtful face
That I must close my eyes
And turn my face