*sigh*

I'm destroyed over this turn of events. Utterly.

In other news, I've added a few new favorites to my list of daily reads...

One of whom I've actually been reading for a few months and have just been a lazy bitch about adding.

The other...the other...how to say this without sounding sophomoric and banal...not to mention possibly offending other kiddies of mine whom I adore beyond belief. [you know who you are] But the other one...he's...beautiful, for lack of a more fitting description.

And in still other news, I was listening to Rammstein last night while doing my writing exercise, and aside from that all too familiar feeling building inside me, it was inspiring. I wrote better than I have since I've started up again. I wouldn't attribute it all to the fact that I was listening to Rammstein, I'm sure any music that made me feel so intensely would have done the trick, and that's when I stumbled across my problem...I haven't written well in so long because I haven't allowed myself to feel in so long. I used to be so in tune with my emotions, I freely explored their depths and darkness without an ounce of fear or anxiety. After Christian [oopsie, I named a name], I was so afraid of my emotions that I locked them away, trying my best to forget about them. When I finally felt safe enough to begin to explore them again, I barely skimmed the surface. Too scared to know how deep the rabbit holes went...

So now, here I am, painted into this corner, my real world fear of the dark keeping me from venturing into the recesses of my soul. What does that make me? I'm certainly not the person I was...but am I worse for it?

No, I don't wish it hadn't happened. I do wish I had dealt with it differently. I wish I hadn't put myself into emotional isolation. I wish I could still just let my feelings wash over me and experience that pure delirium of giving up control to something more powerful than I really know.

I am over him though. I know it now. Now after he's tried to win me back twice. And if I'm over him, shouldn't I be able to let go of the rest of it?

It's hard though, I've gotten accustomed to keeping a tight rein on things, which is not only detrimental to my creativity *longing sigh for the ease at which I poured my thoughts and fantasies and dreams and terrors into notebook after notebook*, but my emotional health and growth as well.

No, I haven't lost my point kiddies...my point is this:

To be able to create with ease and power, as I once did, I need to let go of my emotions.

In order to let go of my emotions, I have to let go of my fears.

To let go of my fears, I have to be able to get them out of me and into a form I can handle.

To get them out of me and in to a form I can handle, I need to write.

It seems like a vicious circle, doesn't it? In a twist of chance, I stumbled upon a shortcut to the end of it all last night.

Music. The right kind of music, obviously. I really doubt whether the crap all over the radio these days would do me any good. But music is my key. When I'm listening to something that makes me feel, I'm not afraid of the emotion, it's justified somehow, and I can tap into it easier.

Yes.

*grin*

Well, I always knew that fucking to Rammstein would be good, I never knew they would lead me to an epiphany of this magnitude...