*takes a deep breath*

I'm back. Kind of.

I am back, but things in my life have drastically changed.

I no longer have my krew. My boys. My core group of male friends that I have known for years. They are all gone. I know that in the end, it is for the best. I know this. I have to keep telling myself this, because that is the only way I can drag myself out of bed right now. What you kiddies don't know about me is that my concept of family is and always has been that of my own creation. Those people I am related to by blood, they are no more my family than the telemarketer who calls you during dinner is a part of your family. My family are those few people I love and respect enough to allow into my heart. The people who know me, the real me. The ones who I would do anything under the sun for, and who, in turn, I expect the same respect and desire to please from. I would, and have, make any sacrifice possible for my family. This is because when I love someone, it is unconditionally. Until that person betrays me, hurts me intentionally, causes me more pain than joy, they can do no wrong.

I loved these boys. These 5 boys were a part of my life. I am....was....Auntie frozen to the children they've spawned. The guys I've hooked up with had to meet their standards for me before anything got serious. We had each other's backs. We kept each other's secrets. We were always there in the middle of the night when someone had gotten into trouble and needed a ride....a shoulder....bail money.....a couch to sleep on.

And now? They're gone. With the exception of 3. 3 people out of 8 are all I have left.

I've sensed something ugly growing, just beneath the surface. A boredom. A dislike. A subtle distrust beginning to lurk. And a couple weeks ago, it burst, like some maggot filled postule....spewing forth it's bitterness and rot. And now they're gone.

Newcastle. I can't lay the blame on him, as it would have happened eventually. There was something that went down between he and I. Something bad. Something violating. It was this one single thing that made me break up with him. It was this one single thing that sent me home to a hot shower that was never actually hot enough, and a night spent crying myself to sleep. Clever kiddies will have put this puzzle together and have a generally good idea of what happened....what he did.

So I broke up with him. And I talked to one of my closest boys, who had become fast friends with Newcastle. He believed me, kind of. After our conversation, I decided not to take any action. The only other person I told was a boy who became my booty call. He was very sweet about it, thought I was stupid not to take any action, but supported me regardless.

Recently, I found out Newcastle had been invited to a birthday party. I asked my friend why he invited him, after I'd told him what happened between Newcastle and I. He shrugged and said that it wasn't a big deal and I should get over it already. So I tried. I went to the party. And Newcastle got drunk. And started talking. It wasn't pretty kiddies. I left, and called a meeting with my boys the next day. I laid it out to them, told them everything. They had apparently, already heard an altered version of it from Newcastle. Tears were shed, by me. Accusations were made, by them. When the unspoken ultimatum came down....I walked out of there alone.

Don't think that this all ended because of this one incident. Like I said, things have been building. This was just the last straw.

So....

I'm left with Cosmo and my Malchik Gay, and Mon Lion and the wubbies.

No more nights at the club. No more weekened long gaming sessions and horror movie marathons. I've been doing a lot of knitting and painting. A LOT of painting.

My life has become very, very strange.