I do not like the dentist. Not anymore. Just talking about it is filling my stomach with that sense of dread. That tight, tense, very nearly queasy feeling...I have been a nervous wreck all week over this alone, but Cosmo tells me that I have been hiding it well.

Have I told you about my loathing for dentists? It hasn't always been this way kiddies, it really hasn't. I used to enjoy going to the dentist. Until one time, I was worked on by a dental assistant so incompetent that it managed to instill a deep fear of pain in my mouth.

How I survived my tongue piercing, I really could not tell you.

I have been so afraid of the dentist that it has been 6 years since I have gone. SIX.

This fact makes me even more nervous, as I am absolutely sure my teeth must be in horrible shape by now. I do what I can kiddies, I brush twice a day, I've been meaning to bring a toothbrush and toothpaste to work...I floss religiously...still...that is about 12 check-ups I have missed, and I am justifiably anxious.

Six years ago, I discovered that I needed to have a root canal. Okay, no problem. So the dental assistant came in, numbed me up, and left me. For 3 hours. I fell asleep actually. When she came back and began to prep me, I still felt pretty numb, so I thought I was good to go. Unfortunately, the anesthesia had worn off the actual nerve of the tooth, a fact I did not discover until the dentist began drilling. Such blinding pain kiddies. I am not typically a screamer in any situation *wink*, but I let out a scream that left my ears ringing when the dentist hit my nerve. He apologized of course, and left me to the dental assistant, who numbed me up for the second time. He came back relatively quickly this time, I only waited for about an hour.

He began drilling away, and when he had successfully hollowed out the tooth, he left me to the ever-so-skilled hands of the dental assistant to fill the gaping cavity.

She went to work. 20 minutes later, she was pretty much done, and then I hear, "Oops."

Oops?

Fucking, OOPS??

Ah, kill me...she had cracked the filling. Yeah, oops is right bitch. Oops. I hate that word too, come to think of it. Maybe if your elbow knocks your fork to the ground, that would be oops. Your toddler falls down and lands on his diapered little bottom? That's an oops. You show up to your friend's potluck birthday dinner and forgot serving utensils for your dish? Yeah, oops would work.

Oops does not work when you've caused a patient excruciating amounts of pain, kept them in the dental chair for over 4 hours, and then crack their filling.

Oops. *furious scowl*

I digress...

So she said, "Oops!" and informs me that she cracked my filling. To remedy this, the dentist is summoned to re-drill me, and she sets to work on my second filling.

Guess what kiddies?

Think of the most horrible thing that could happen at this point?

Yes, you know what happened, don't you?

"Oops!"

Mother-fucking oops. Oops, I am a drooling idiot and I should be sterilized so I cannot bring more idiots into this world. Oops, I am stunningly pathetic and I am incapable of doing my job.

"Oops, I'm sorry. I cracked your filling again."

Back comes the dentist who is not nearly as frustrated as I am, but getting there. Tells the assistant he will fill me this time. Guess what though? They should have already closed, so the dentist puts a temporary filling in me and tells me they will reschedule my actual filling for the same day they cap it, or whatever they do to root canals.

So, I leave. My jaw is aching from being gape mouthed for so long. We schedule an appointment.

Here's the thing though. I was raised on welfare. Our medical insurance was Medi-Cal. I was 17, soon to be 18, at which time I would be ineligible, as I would never lower myself to take state aid.

The dentist's office began calling to reschedule my appointment for a later and later date. Soon, they scheduled it for a date beyond my 18th birthday, and regardless of the fact that this root canal was performed but left unfinished before my 18th, Medi-Cal was not going to pay for it.

As time went on, I never really wound up with a job with dental benefits until now. The temporary filling deteriorated and left a gaping hole in my tooth, which also began to deteriorate. Currently, I have about half a tooth there, but it is way in the back and no one has ever noticed.

But that is why I am nervous about the dentist. It is a combination of holdover fear from my last experience, and anxiety about the current state of my teeth.

My appointment is tomorrow at 3:30 PM, PST. Do what you do kiddies. Cross your fingers, light a candle, send up a few prayers to the god, gods, or goddess you worship, think about me, something.

I am going to need all the help I can get.