To quote Mon Lion, this month has been a black hole making an abyss in the year...

In that vein, I have been horribly, not myself. I have been tossed about on an emotional roller coaster. My life has gone from crap to superb and back again. It's hard, so hard, to try to keep myself on an emotionally even keel when my life is so fucking bizarre.

*sigh*

Hopefully, this bullshit ends, soon. Things seem to be wrapping up. Aside from the drama beginning to fade, Cosmo and I have taken a bit of a holiday...we drove up the coast to Morro Bay [look it up, I'm on a crappy dial up connection and can't be arsed to make a link for you kiddies]. Cosmo spent the day catching some rays and flirting with surfers. I spent the day wrapped up in my most favorite hoodie, reading some of Mon Lion's writing, staring at the waves, and pondering life. Basically, recharging my soul.

Today....I'm amazingly better. I feel refreshed. I feel renewed.

It's amazing, how much good the ocean does me. I can be at my absolute lowest point, and the simple feeling of the Pacific lapping at my ankles makes everything....balance.

Also....Mon Lion does me more good than he could ever imagine.

What's with that kiddies? Okay, I may be rambling, but allow me to fill you in on my romantic history. Not all the details, but the basics.

I can honestly say that I have been in love less than a handful of times. I have a history of falling in and out of infatuations at the drop of a hat, but love? Actual love?

The first was Rodeo. He was...my first love. I loved that boy for 6 years before we discovered that we felt the same way about each other. We wound up getting engaged when I was 17 and he was 23. Christmas Eve. The plan was for him to go back to Oklahoma and work for his dad until I turned 18 that coming July. Of course, there is a reason that I've nicknamed him Rodeo. He rode bareback and had dreams of going pro. On July 4th, he rode, got thrown, hit his head on the rail, and the next day, he died in the hospital. I wasn't there, his dad didn't call me until the two days before my 18th birthday. In retrospect...who I am now is not who I was then, and I don't think, rather, I know, that I would not be happy as the wife of a rodeo cowboy, stuck in Oklahoma, popping out kids and waiting for the kind of phone call that I got two days before my 18th birthday. Still, I miss him. I loved him, and he adored me, and to lose him.....I still get a little down every year at that time.

My second was a boy named Keith. He was the most intense relationship I had. He was as mad and passionate in love as I was, and am. There was a depth to him that no one could touch, not even me, and one day, he cracked. Quite literally. The chemical imbalance in his brain pushed him over the edge, and his madness became all too real. He took it out on himself, and he took it out on me. And then one day, he tried to kill himself. Disaster was averted, temporarily, but therapy didn't help and he would only take his medication until he felt like he was "normal" enough to decide to quit. He wound up being placed in a facility, as he could not be trusted to take care of himself and was too much to be handled by his parents. As far as I know, he is still in an assisted living facility.

My most recent was Skater Boi, the Norwegian semi-pro skater. I didn't want to fall for him, but he won me over. And then he broke my heart so badly that I took a three year hiatus from boys. Seriously. I didn't even crush on anyone until last July.

I've cared about many boys. I've loved three. I gave my heart to three.

Until now.

Now....damn kiddies. Now, with Mon Lion, it's....it's a whole new feeling. And it didn't ease on to me, it didn't sneak up on me. It hit me, fast and hard. One day, he was someone interesting who intrigued me. Someone I enjoyed talking to. Someone I thought was cool, but had no romantic interest in at all. Suddenly, in the middle of the day, on a Wednesday afternoon, it hit me. I was completely, amazingly, and totally in love. Before I could even realize it, I had lost complete control over the situation. My heart was his, without a doubt in my mind. And it was different.

It's more intense than anyone else. I adore him beyond comprehension. And what's more, I feel....safe, and...complete. It's the most amazing thing in the world. I haven't felt anything like this in my entire life....

Alright kiddies. It's past midnight, and i've been up since dawn. I'm rambling. And if I continue in this train of thought it will become a list of how much I adore my boy, and I'm sure no one is interested in that. *grin*

Goodnight kiddies. My bed is calling me....rather the bed I am sleeping in [as I'm not home] is calling me.